Relationship Roundtable: Are We Lovers Or Friends?

“I have a male friend and we have maintained that friendship for some time now. We set a boundary that we will remain friends only, but we both know that we are attracted to one another physically and emotionally. He is really everything that I would want in a man, everything that is good for me. The other men that I tend to date don’t really compare to him and now I’m starting to look at my friend wondering if the friendship could be a foundation for something more? Am I looking for what I need somewhere else when the right man for me could be sitting right in front of me?”



I believe friendships before relationships are the best kind of union for couples. I don’t think you all should set boundaries to remain friends if you feel this way about one another.  I say go for it if he feels the same way about you. However, if he wishes to remain friends then don’t push the issue and just be friends.


Some of the beautiful and life long love relationships were born of friendship. My husband and I started out as co-workers, then friends and ultimately married. We’ve been married for nearly twenty years now and I have not one minute of regret over transitioning from friends to lovers. However, I would warn you to be sure that your friend feels the same and that he is free to be with you and only you. And ask yourself if you would be able to return to just a friendship if he rejects the idea of pursuing a love relationship.


I would say that you have the beginning of a great relationship. Take the time to know what he’s looking for if you don’t know already. Do things a couple would do and then he may begin to see that you are interested in you differently.


After reading your question, the first question that comes to mind is why have you all decided to remain friends?  Are you all truly enjoying the benefits of the friendship or is the decision to remain friends a way to protect yourself?  The other question I would ask you is what is more important to you at this point – the friendship or exploring something more than a platonic relationship?  Do you like the way things are as friends?  Do you feel that you will add the most value to each others lives as things are?  It is hard to tell you what to do in this situation.  That is something that you will need to explore.  It may be that your attraction is strong now because of the strength of your friendship.  If your relationship changes, will that attraction remain?  In these types of situations, it is hard to say.  As you answer these various questions, maybe your answer will become more clear.  All the best!


This can be a tricky subject. There has to be a reason that the two of you decided that friendship is the limitation. If that is a mutual decision, let it be for a minute. If the two of you have a developing friendship that is meant to be more, it will get to the point where that has to be discussed. Maybe he appeals to you due to his positive qualities and the friendship and that is a good thing. But I’m a fan of letting things happen organically. If it is meant to be anything else, you won’t have to force it. Just don’t spend time pushing the boundaries, enjoy the friendship.

From a Male POV…

There is a reason you chose to maintain nothing more than a friendship with him and you need to look into why you’re changing your mind now. He’s not everything you want in a relationship. He’s a mirage of what he’s led you to believe you THINK you want.  The best way to see if he’s everything you want is to really look at his faults and his worst traits and really accept and understand that you’ll be the brunt and target of those faults eventually. I say this because it’s easy to accept the good qualities but can you accept the cons? The cons are going to be the qualities that will determine how healthy your relationship will be.  Being friends with a guy/girl can be the deepest relationship people can have but once the intimacy kicks in, that friendship morphs into complex maze of hopes and expectations. It’s beautiful now because you don’t have to meet his needs and he doesn’t have to meet your needs. But once y’all have to start having to meet each others needs and expectations is when shit hits the fan…


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