~”My life is not sad because I’m single with no children. I like time alone doing what I want when I want.”

 

That’s me. Why am I still single? Maybe it’s because I like it that way. Ok! But the truth is that I’ve always desired to have a great relationship with a supportive man:  I’m still searching!

Let’s make it clear. I’m not trying to start a pity party. My life is not sad because I’m single with no children. I like time alone doing what I want when I want.

As I watched my friends and family struggle in their relationships, I decided to explore and live single before I commit. I believed this way I can be confident in knowing who I am and what I want out of life.  Essentially make memories and have no regrets.

Growing up, I was pretty confident I would have at least one child. I envisioned a girl named, Mia. I’ve always loved that name. In my dreams, a tall dark handsome, smart and caring man would sweep me off my feet. Come hell or high water, somebody was going to find me; then I will have my Mia.

In my 20’s, I was a gym rat.  I hung around slightly built guys and was in the best shape of my life. My life was great.  I felt good. I ate good food. My overall health was great. I was climbing the corporate latter with an Associate’s Degree.  My parents always taught my siblings and me that hard work always pays off.  So that’s what I did.  I worked hard. Dating to me was hanging out at networking parties and having a good time with groups of professionals.

In my 30’s, I started hanging out with a totally different crowd.  During these times, my friends weren’t as ambitious as the ones in my 20’s. I liked them a lot. I started exploring. We went on island trips and local excursions. I went to bars and hung out in the club scene. I got a taste of the wild life. Eventually, I started to feel it was too much for me.  I quickly realized I didn’t miss much of the nightlife in my 20’s. I started longing for a serious relationship and children. You can say, I was in full-fledged panic mode. I wanted to finish school, make more money and find a husband.

Over the years, I made excuses for not finding Mr. Right.

Here’s just a sampling of my excuses:

• I’m young
• I have plenty time
• I want to finish school before I get into a serious relationship
• I’m not exactly attracted to him
• These guys are not mature enough
• All he wants is sex; I don’t have time for meaningless relationships
• He’s too young
• He’s too old
• Who does he think he is running up on me being all aggressive?
• Geez, this dude game is played out

So here I am. Mr. Right didn’t come running to me, looking perfect and sweeping me off my feet. I have accepted the hand I was dealt. To cover up my emotions, I emerged myself into years of studying. I decided to go back to school after many years of working in a career that wasn’t fulfilling. I got an undergraduate degree at 45 years old and a master’s degree at 49 years old.

Ok. One more excuse.  As an adult student, there was no time for relationships while working a nine to five and going to school half and full time. Ok! Sounds like more avoidance happening here.

Approaching the big 5-0 is not scary.  What’s scary is learning to reciprocate love without excuses.  I can easily do that with my family, but need to find a partner I can trust, before opening my heart.

My friends tried to help by telling me to get dressed up and go to networking events, look left and right when I walk down the street, smile, find a way to look approachable without looking desperate, flirt a little, go places and meet people with the same interest. Sure, and there is a sea of women with the same idea. I usually fade into the background, on purpose perhaps.

In June, I’m turning 50.  What’s next? Today, I’m not really sure. The dating scene has changed.

Prior to social media, romance had a lot to do with relying on face-to-face meet-ups. Now, people are finding their perfect match online and taking that leap of faith in cyber world. This is not for me.

I did sign up for eHarmony a few years ago. It took hours to complete my profile. Once I was done, I had immediate push back. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around bringing an unknown into my life. What if he’s in it for wrong reasons or perhaps, a criminal?

I’m single! I’m turning 50! I admit to being lonely at times. My life happened exactly as it should have because I wasn’t ready to love. Most often, I made use of the silence with meditation, reflection or just simply allowing myself to dream.

I’ll end with a something my mom told me many times:

You’re a very unique and funny girl, don’t change for anybody. Always be yourself; everything else will fall into place. Honest relationships are the best. Besides, it’s exhausting keeping up with lies.

 

The journey continues…

~Crystal

Follow our guest blogger Crystal on Twitter @TousanaC and online  at http://www.crys2sana.com