Surviving Life Without the “D” 101- Part 1

“Feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment ensue when deciding to take care of your own sexual needs.”

So, you have decided that you cannot survive without the “D”.   So, what now?  You are not the type of person that has issues getting a willing participant to break you off.  But between the HIV epidemic and the emotional hesitancy of appearing “too easy”, you are hesitant to start making strong sexual connections.  So what are your options?  The next best thing to the real “D” is to find out how to take care of your own needs.

For some women, this may be a non-issue. You have learned that self pleasure is an important element of healthy sexuality and have nurtured this element of self-care for yourself over the years. Yet, for many women, this is a challenge. Feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment ensue when deciding to take care of your own sexual needs. If you are not willing to live a life of sexual frustration (while in your transition period) your best strategy to take care of yourself is to work through these uncomfortable feelings and let go of attitudes and values that undermine your well-being so you can be fulfilled.

What does this mean?

It means that you ask some questions and be prepared to answer them honestly. Remember that true sexual fulfillment (whether solo or with another) is based on a foundation of self-awareness.

Here are some questions to explore:

  • Do you believe that you are responsible for your own sexual fulfillment? Individuals that know and understand that it is not their lovers job to fulfill your sexual needs are able to easily fulfill their own sexual needs. This time without the “D” will allow you to delve into taking full responsibility for your own sexual pleasure.
  •  Do you believe that self pleasure is “bad”, “immoral”, and/or “sinful”? Strong feelings surrounding self pleasure is an indication of sexual repression. Explore healthy ways to counteract these attitudes and feelings. Values clarification activities and healthy dialogue with a trusted friend or professional can help you in this area.

What is beautiful about this time in your life, and you may not even realize it yet, is that your ability to let go of sexually repressive beliefs and attitudes will create a heightened sense of self. This new awareness will spill over into other areas of your life in positive ways. You will become more creative, energized, and/or authentic. So, look at this time as a way to enhance yourself physically, spiritually and mentally. Trust me, you will be pleased with the benefits.



Amara, H. (2014). Warrior Goddess Training: Become The Woman You Are Meant To Be. Hierophant Publishing, San Antonio, TX.

Copeland, P. & Link, A. (2003). Soul Sex: Tantra for Two. Career Press, Franklin Lakes, NJ.

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