~”I have fully accepted what is. I have let go of the idea of the way things are “supposed to be” so that I can live in the present of what is.”
So, month-after-month, for a year, I took us both through the emotional roller coaster of breaking things off and getting back together. During this time, since I was not accepting the idea of being super committed to someone so soon after divorce (which he obviously sensed) I was not met with much resistance. Plus, he had gotten used to the routine of it all and would wait for me to calm down and “come to my senses”, if you will. After a year, I decided that “enough was enough” with that nonsense. It was like I was trying to fight against something that was beyond my control. It was exhausting. Plus, I was getting tired of looking so damn dysfunctional. I was starting to get on my own nerves with that shit. The reality is, I did want to be with him. So I made a commitment to myself that I would not put he, nor I through another break up unless I was truly ready to walk away. Ready to walk away because the relationship no longer served me, not because I was trying to avoid potential hurt or pain.
I did well for about a year. No breaking up. Was just going with the flow. But my personal and work responsibilities were getting to be too much for me to handle and I decided one day that something had to give. So, the only thing I could reasonably let go of was him. So, that’s what I did. I told him that I needed to take a break for a while. I just needed to take something off of my plate and our relationship was the only thing that I could see that could go away. I couldn’t get rid of the kids, my ex, or my jobs. Bottom line, I was ridiculously stressed out. He was pretty understanding initially which was a relief. But then the next morning, I was met with resistance. He wanted to know how I could just end things like that without any justifiable reason especially if I love him the way I say I do. His response this time was much different than the many times I would end things before. We definitely were in a different place in our relationship now and this was confirmation. After sitting down and talking through some things it became even more evident that he was committed to us and that he is an integral part of my life. It was the last time I tried to run.
So what now? Devon has been taking steps to leave his marriage. He’s explained that it is a process, which I can understand. We are not rushing being together under one roof too early since we are very hesitant to deal with the issues that arise with step-parent situations. In the meantime, we spend as much time together as our schedules allow. We workout together, hang out in the city, party together, and go to the movies. We have a blast together!
Three years later, I can say that I am pretty happy where things are. I have fully accepted what is. I have let go of the idea of the way things are “supposed to be” so that I can live in the present of what is. I had no idea that I would find love so soon after divorce as it was not my first priority. But despite it all, I’ve enjoyed every minute of our relationship. I knew early on that it was safe for me to allow him to see the deepest part of my soul. I had experienced him and allowed him to experience me in ways that I would have never considered with my ex. From trance like eye gazing during love making to foot massages (and I am not a foot person at all). With Devon, anything goes. I can be myself. Tell him anything. His happiness is my happiness. Not in a dysfunctional way, but in a loving way.
Do I wish for things to be different though? Of course! Am I willing to wait for us to live the life we envision together? Hell yeah, I’ll wait! I’ll wait because he is worth waiting for. I’ll wait because he and I both deserve to love and be loved. Although it may not seem like the most perfect situation, it turns out that it is perfect for us and that is all that really matters.
*Names have been changed to protect the author’s identity.
Read Part Two