“I met a man online and at first, there was a sexual interest. We clicked immediately, had sex, but then we both decided that it would be best to be friends. He is great conversation, makes me laugh, and we have a lot in common. He’s married, but says that he’s going through a separation that is fresh. He often talks with me about the issues that he’s having with his wife. I sympathize with her, and try to give him good, unbiased advice and he says that he appreciates the advice and my friendship. My best friend says that I should not waste my time on this friendship with him. What should I do?”
I know this might sound crazy, but I don’t trust men that date online. I’m sorry, I don’t want to offend you, but I just don’t trust it. I think dating online allows people to hide from their true situations. Almost everyone that I know that have dated online has shared some horrific stories with me. So, first BE CAREFUL!! On the other hand, many people have success with dating online and who am I to say that it won’t work for you. I think you should only be a friend to this man without seeking an intimate relationship. If you know you can’t be friends because of your strong connection, then just pull back from him all together. If it is meant to be, he will come back to you not married and ready for a relationship.
I firmly believe that you can’t be everyone’s friend. It’s cool that you guys clicked, however, you have to put yourself in the wife’s place. Would she really appreciate him sharing the intimate details of their marriage with another woman? I know I wouldn’t want my husband talking about me or our issues with a female “friend.” The fact that you guys were intimate will only prove more hurtful to her if she were to ever find out. Also keep in mind that if you are really invested in him, you are blocking the potential of a new relationship with someone who’s truly free to be with you.
As long as you are not falling for this guy it’s all good. Friendship is important when people are going through tough times. Continue as friends only… Stop the sexual encounters. If it becomes too much for you and your life ween him off.
Ultimately, it is not your friend’s decision who you spend time with, that is up to you. If the gentleman is a good friend and you all enjoy each other’s company, then enjoy the friendship for however long you are comfortable with. It is up to you to determine whether this friendship is worth your time. Do you feel that he is offering you something that you need at this time in your life? Friendships come and go. Some friendships are necessary during certain phases in our lives and we must be mindful to honor these types of relationships. If the dynamics of your friendship are healthy and meet your needs, then remain friends with him. Otherwise, gradually taper off communication and move on.
So there are a few issues here for me.
- You met and you both gave in to the physical attraction.
- He is talking about his wife and his marriage to you, a complete stranger.
- He’s MARRIED.
Here is why those are issues for me. You, as the stranger only get one point of view. You can’t be assured if what he is telling you is truth or info just for the sake of reeling you in for his own selfish needs. I believe he was trolling for sex while dealing with his failing relationship, which let’s be honest, we can’t assure that it is actually failing. It does not mean that you aren’t a good person, good enough to date or for him to like. This just sounds like a lot of confusion and dependent feelings, not a true healthy friendship.
Here is the true test of whether or not you are really his friend. Can he introduce you to his wife? If not, you are not a friend, you are a little something on the side that keeps him entertained while he may or may not be dealing with a failed marriage.
*From a male POV….
Wow. The male pov pretty much sums it up. As someone who was the wife of someone who invested time being friends with a woman instead of investing effort into fixing the issues in our marriage I’m going to say this:
1.)He’s telling you what you want to hear to make you think you are a savior.
2.)He probably still loves his wife, even if the relationship is f…d up.
3.)Even if he leaves his wife and kicks it with you, you will not measure up because he will want the fantasy he had prior to that. You will expect to be treated like a damn queen, and you may get that temporarily.
4.)He may do extreme favors for his former wife behind your back if she didn’t actually do anything bad to for relationship to end. It’s called guilt.
5.)He will lie to you and often, because he probably was when he met you (see 1).
6.) He may resent you as time goes on (see 1 and 2).
Send this man home to his wife, and leave him alone. This man’s friend is/was his wife and that’s currently a mess which is why he’s trolling on the Internet to fill a void. For the record the same man who ended our marriage and divided our young family thinking he had it bad at home regretted it. He also realized that we could’ve resolved our issues like 3 different counselors said we could. You don’t want this baggage to carry from a man.